“Oh, so your husband has two wives” - Happy Pride Month!

Changing minds in a heteronormative world

A transformational conversation with a cab driver in Salt Lake City led me to start my own unofficial grassroots campaign to advance LGBTQI+ rights. We can all be change agents, each of us can have real impact at every level of an organization or a community. It’s like the notorious butterfly in Brazil that flaps its wings and creates a tornado in Texas (which, apparently, you should not read literally). Same-sex relationships are currently illegal in more than 70 countries and punishable by death in seven. Our work is not over. Let’s celebrate this month but let’s always remember who we are and where we come from.  

Salt Lake City

“Are you married?” asked the driver as we sped through the straw-colored hills. I was on my way to a meeting in the Mormon capital of the world, Salt Lake City. 
“Yes, I am,” I answered.
“So where’s your husband? Is he at home?”
I was flustered but settled on “Ehm, actually, I am married to a woman.”
“Oh.” The driver looked confused. And then the usual questions came. He wanted to know what it’s like to be with a woman if you’re a woman. How we live our lives. What our families think of us. He was polite and it was clear that he was genuinely curious and just didn’t know very many openly gay people. The conversation unexpectedly felt like a warm hug. Though it could have gone in many different directions, it was a beautiful and transformative moment between two fellow human beings who truly connected. 

It was there and then that I realized that small things do make a difference and that we all need to contribute to change. We do not need to justify who we are because we’re here but we do need to come out because that is who we are. And if we want to show that we are ordinary -- and fabulous! -- human beings just like everyone else, trying to live our lives and make the best of it, we need to come out and be the author of our own narrative. 

The husband question seems to be a pretty universal taxi driver question because I have heard it all over the world, almost every time I take a cab somewhere, from dusty streets in Athens to crowded Mumbai to calm and peaceful Copenhagen. Sometimes it gets a bit old, the ‘50s are over after all. But I am using it now as a springboard to advance my own agenda, the famous gay agenda of course. Whenever someone asks me questions about my life, I try to be open-minded about where the question is coming from and I assume good intent. And I follow the advice from an old mentor: Be kind to yourself and to others and always give people the benefit of the doubt because you never know where someone comes from or what they’re going through. 

That doesn’t mean that we as LGBTQI+ community have to do all the work. We need our allies. And I want to celebrate and thank our allies this Pride Month as well!

Ever since my encounter in Utah, I have followed my own grassroots protocol whenever a taxi driver asks me whether I am married or where my husband is and I have had the most wonderful conversations. In the West Bank, a driver also cheekily asked me what we do in bed. Of course I steered the conversation in another direction. And when I did so, we still had a wonderful conversation. There have been times unfortunately that it wasn’t safe to be honest. In Dubai, I just answered “My partner is in Amsterdam” and in Egypt, I got a bit freaked out by an illegitimate checkpoint and decided that it wasn’t the time and place for a transformative chat. 

The most awkward story took place in an unexpected place however. A few years ago, I was sitting in a cab very early in the morning, an ideal moment for a heart-to-heart. The driver asked the question and everything went according to script (“Are you married?”, “Yes, I am”, “Where is your husband”, “Oh, I am married to a woman”) and then asked me if I had children. 
“Yes, a little girl,” I said. 
“Oh, so where is she now? Is she with your husband?” he wanted to know. 
“No, she is with my wife. Our daughter has two moms.” 
He looked really puzzled: “Huh, what do you mean?” 
“Kids can have two moms these days.” 
“Huh, I really don’t get that.” 
A few minutes later, he suddenly said with a big smile “Ah, your husband has two wives.” I didn’t manage to change hearts that day. But guess where this conversation took place… Yes, in Amsterdam! This goes to show that we need to continue to speak up and try to change hearts and minds. Mostly with love and kindness but sometimes with love and rage. Same-sex relationships are currently illegal in around 70 countries and punishable by death in seven. Our work is not over. Let’s celebrate this month but let’s always remember who we are and where we come from and let’s change hearts and minds.