Lesbian Code

In the series “How To…,” we’ll discuss today how you can find out whether that cute girl you’re interested in is a lesbian or not. This is not an exact science so you’ve got to be careful. We all know that stereotypes are dangerous; always make sure you practice judgment. There are some basic rules though. For instance, if the good-looking girl works in the power tool aisle at Home Depot, there is a very good chance that she is a member of the team. If she works at Whole Foods, it might be a little harder to find out whether she sings in our choir. If she is a teacher at an alternative Yoga studio on Valencia Street, chances are up again.

However, I have to disclose that I may be biased. I like to think all women are lesbians because I believe it’s more fun to be gay. The anti-gay movement may qualify this as a dangerous urge to convert others. But I can reassure these folks: I don’t want to talk anyone into our club, it’s just that I assume everybody wants to be a member.

Let’s go back to today’s central theme: What are the signs you have to look for?

Key-chains can be give-aways. Annelien, for example, has a notable slogan on her key-chain: “I am not a lesbian, but I hate men.” It’s no fun to borrow her keys, especially not if you have to give them to some guy who will park the car for you (Yes, even with a Yaris, you can get valet parking in San Francisco).

What kind of car is the object of your affection driving? There are car sociologists out there who can tell you exactly who you are based on the car you drive. If you don’t have a car, you are obviously extremely cool. Having a hybrid or a Tesla is almost as trendy. But how can you recognize a lesbian car? Honda Elements are give-aways. Other sturdy cars like Subarus also make it pretty clear that the female driver is into women. And then there’s the Audi TT sports car or the Saab convertible for the sophisticated butch or femme. And if your lady doesn’t drive any of these cars, look at her bumper stickers. If she has more than one, she probably is a lesbian.

And sometimes, you just have to use your gay-dar. A woman who could be a lesbian may be super straight after all and only your well-calibrated gay-dar can help you out. Look at Elena Kagan, President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee. Even serious journalists started speculating about her sexual orientation because of her haircut and other possible pointers. A lot of the coverage was both sexist and not very flattering for lesbians. Use my hints only if you consider asking a woman out for a date, not when you are voting for a Supreme Court judge.